Everybody scrambled around trying to get their last minute town business squared away before setting off to the Castle to rescue Gundren Rockseeker from the cruel clutches of the evil Black Spider.
Ro-Kan was atop the belltower, praying to Thor, when a thick fog rolled in completely separating Ro-Kan from the town below. THOR WAS THERE! In person. How cool is THAT?!
Thor was all like “Yo, Ro-Kan, you’re a pretty gnarly dude. I saw the way you killed that Dragon. Thick moves, dog,” and Ro-Kan was all like “I seek only to have my family name echo in the halls of Valhalla,” and Thor was all like “Glory, son! That Dragon’s skull hitting the cobblestones is still echoing in DEEZ NUTS!” And then they slapped a mega-righteous high-five. Then Thor told Ro-Kan he’d answer a question for him, and Ro-Kan asked if they should trust Duracella, and Thor was like “Pffffft. The fuck you think, homeslice? I’ll check back with you later, hombre. Thor out.” Then Thor just totally kerploded the top of the belltower with a blast of wicked lightning. The bell went flying, and so Ro-Kan grabbed the rope and rappelled down after it.
He met up with the rest of the group, and then they went to Duracella’s and she met them outside her tent. She briefly whipped and nae-naed, and muttered a brief verse of “Forgot About Dre,” and everyone was transported miles away, to within sight of the Castle that held Gundren. “Smell ya later, chumps!” said Duracella, as she teleported away.
“Hey everyone, let’s all try to be stealthy as we approach the Castle. We don’t want to get shot full of arrows before we even reach the wall,” said Turin.
“Good idea,” agreed everyone on the planet except for Zex who shouted “I’m coming, cousin!” and tore off through the bush at the highest speed a Dwarf could manage, which is a pretty brisk walk.
As they get closer to the Castle, they convinced Zex to calm down and play it smart. By scouting out the Castle, they found a side door that clearly led into the barracks or something because there were a ton of hobgoblins making noise just inside the door.
Sneaking around, the party placed a metric fuckton of hunting traps, leftover from their battle with Venomfang, all around the door, stairs, and field, as a trap to lure the hobgobling into. Avery then cast an illusion of a hobgoblin standing in the field with a dead human body nearby, and shouted out in goblin “Hey boys, come on out and share some fresh meat!” The hobgoblins all came pouring outside, and one by one got caught in hunting traps, sliced to shit by magical swirling dagger clouds, lit up by green eye lasers, magically missiled, or stuck full of arrows. As Ro-Kan sunk another arrow into the chest of a hobgoblin soldier, Thor appeared nearby, laughing. “Aw snap! You stuck that motherfucker like a pig!” Thor spilled ethereal popcorn as he laughed. “Good shit, homey. Good shit.” And then he disappeared.
The party then found a secret entrance on the other side of the castle, and so they went in that way, now that all the guards’ attention would be brought to this side.
They went in and found themselves face to face with an Owlbear. Ten scared it by arguing about the relative scales of map grids, and it ran off. Then they found Gundren, in a room with some monsters, which they killed easily.
Hooray! Gundren! We rescued him! But no! He was not Gundren at all, but rather an Ancient Old One in disguise! ‘Twas none other than Nyarlethotep (aka “Ahtu“; “The Black Man”; “The Black Pharaoh”; “The Black Wind”; “The Bloated Woman”; “The Crawling Chaos”; “The Crawling Mist”; “The Dark Demon”; “The Dark One”; “The Dweller in Darkness”; “The Faceless God”; “The Floating Horror”; “The Haunter of the Dark”; “Yuggoth the Face Eater”; “Father of All Bats”; “Dark Wing”; “Sand Bat”; “Fly-The-Light”; “The Royal Pant”; “The Howler in the Dark”; “The Bloody Tongue”; “L’rog’g the Bat God”; “The Messenger of the Old Ones”; “Mr. Skin”; “Randall Flagg”; “Samael”; “Shugoran”; “The Thing in the Yellow Mask”; “The White Man”; “The Whispering Man”)!!
Nyarlethotep quickly ordered the group to surrender. Zex and Ro-Kan resisted surrender most fiercely, but Ten insisted that they kneel before Nyarlethotep. The Black Wind repaid Ten’s acquiescence by promptly removing his head from his shoulders. Ro-Kan saw this, and thinking quickly, he grabbed all of his companions (and Ten’s body) and started sprinting through the trees.
But The Thing in the Yellow Mask was already waiting in the next clearing for Ro-Kan.
The entire party was dead.
They awoke on the cosmic shores of Valhalla.
The skipped some cosmic stones, but eventually approached the Mead Hall at the End of the Universe.
Thor was inside. He told them all what an amazing job they were doing, and asked if anyone was interested in converting to worship him. He had many takers. He then made all of their equipment +2, and returned them to life. On the shores of some far-off island…